I've been reduced to promises, and lies to myself. ( Closed)

( So this is just where Cazz has gone since she left. )


First stop away from home: Moscow, Russia

Cazz got off the plane with a slight sigh of relief as she looked out over the night, the cold biting at her hands as she slipped them into her pockets slowly as people passed her in a hurry to get out of the harsh cold weather, snow kicking up off a high hill washing over them like a white static. Letting a numbness settle over her for a long moment before taking in a deep breath of the crisp cold Russian air. Her movements steady and slow a slight smile on her face before she slips into the build.

It was an older building; tiles were chipping under her feet as she looks around all the faces becoming a blur after so many transfers on trains and planes to get here. The paint was pealing slightly around the edges, the darker places of the building as she headed straight for the road way getting a taxi to her next destination.
Her eyes drifted out the window as the man spoke broken English, “Miss, ahh you see mother Russia… she is… ahh she is a beautiful mistress… in the ahh… well you know sum-“ She slowly tuned him out waiting for her stop as she played with her hair watching the lights pass in such a blur she wondered if she was even in the right time.

The cab came to a quick stop as she handed him a few bills getting out grabbing her bag as she went walking to the run down bar slipping inside shaking out her hair taking another deep breath groaning slightly. She needed a drink like it was yesterday, like she had just gotten out of jail.

Strolling up to the bar her shoes slightly scuffing up the polished floor as she took a seat dropping her bag at her feet leaning across the bar gently grabbed the cuff of a man’s shirt smirking a little winking. “Could you get me a bottle of elite, you have it?”

The man leaned in a little closer for a moment brushing hair from her eyes winking back grabbing the bottle from the shelf looking her over for a moment before slowly setting down the bottle of vodka and a shot glass sliding it to her as she laid the money down on the bar relaxing back into the stool, swinging her feet as the man counts it throwing it into the draw continuing to serve others.

It was fifteen shots ago as she was staring at the bar in such deep thought, her fingers slowly tracing the little designs in the wood as she hummed a song softly to herself, going in and out of visions every once in a while. Slowly her attention went back to her left arm, the burn from so long ago as she gently runs her fingers over the long patch of skin unable to feel anything on the part of her arm. Looking up a little at the bartender who gave her another wink she pushed down the ache in her heart, taking another shot feeling the burn pushing down her feelings further. With hope somehow the liquor would go in and destroy all left over feelings or memories she had of him. Unfortunately they kept coming, like a bad nightmare. She never wanted to sleep; she didn’t even want to look in the mirror, afraid of another memoire that would pop up. Thinking far too long on the matter she went to pour herself another the bottle coming up empty, staring at it for a few long moments wanting it to be full again as she slowly gets up mumbling to herself. “I don’t need you, I don’t need anyone...”

Stumbling a little a dizziness coming over her as she leaned against the table taking a deep breath blinking a few times trying to rid herself of the terrible thoughts running threw her head at the moment, clinching her fist tightly at her sides swallowing whatever was coming up as she grabbed her back swaying a little stumbling out to the street seeing the bright neon lights of a motel lighting up as she slowly crosses the street bumping into people as she dose getting yelled at as she ignored them, hitting the solid wood door with a thud pushing it open.

Eyes blood shot, the time being about four in the morning as she comes up to the desk trying to get the words out. “Um… I would… you know… could I get… those rooms… one of em?” The man at the desk looks at her a long moment before taking the card she was holding out, a few moments later handing it back to her along with a room key, pointing to the first room on the left. “First one, one. You are one.” Pointing again at the room as Cazz slowly turns her head watching him point nodding a little late.
Her first steps were confident, that she was going to make it to the bed this time. Not on the floor like the last six motels, but as she got closer there was a way she swayed that she just hoped to a god, if there was one that was watching out for her, that she would get to the room. Leaning against the door for support she messed with the key card sliding it backwards a few times before the door clicked open as she fell, her back hitting the ground. The contents of her backpack in the bathroom and in the half hallway Cazz was laying in as she kicked the door closed with her feet holding the key in her hand tightly.

She felt a wave of self-loathing wash over her as she laid there looking at the ceiling, staring at the overhead light wishing it would blind her. Cazz’s world was spinning so fast there was a wonder that the contents of her stomach weren’t on the floor next to her. A vision of a cab driver flashed before her eyes hitting another car as she cringed, the impact making his head go through the windshield blood running down his neck and shirt soaking everything in its path leaking from the car as the child in the back screamed there mother laying over there tiny body, blood coming from her mouth like a river a street sign lodged in her back. The loud sirens rang off the buildings, cars around the horrific accident still moving along shielding their children’s eyes so they do not see. Curling up into herself hands over her eyes, arms wrapped around her head trying to stop it all, the visions. The way she hurt so badly it made her want to lie down and die. Slowly but surely she passed out hoping for a dreamless night.

Second stop, maybe this is it: Holland, Amsterdam

Two weeks later she ended up in Amsterdam, well outside it to say the least. A dress fluttering around her knees, the light colors dancing in the wind as she ran in the fields of tulips the red slowly changing to a bright golden yellow as she trips over her feet falling down into a great bunch of them holding one of each color in her hands laughing a little relaxing under the flowers. The sun warming her skin, almost making her feels like everything was going to be okay in the end.

The last two weeks had been hell. Hell on earth, if such a thing was possible. She had grown thin and pale in Russia, her time spent there was to relive her soul of all the nasty things she eventually figure out she had done. A hand full of times she was close to taking her life, though upon arrive to Holland she left that all behind. The guns, knifes, as well as everything she could not stand to look at anymore. The photos she took sat at the bottom of the lake with the rest of the things she never wanted to see again. Her fingers slowly traced the cuts along her scare shivering a little as she slowly rolled over in the flowers kicking her legs the white straps slowly slipping down her shoulders as she plucked the petals off the flowers dropping them in a small pile. She had kept moving going to hotel room to hotel room. Ignoring all, if she had any, calls that she had gotten.

Using mostly cash so her father could not find her, she was tired. The people at home weighted heavily on her heart, she did not leave in the right way. Leaving a note for her father on his bed and leaving a note on the front door to see if anyone that would come over. Though she would not have it any other way, she missed Blaire and her brothers. They made her smile even though she did not have very many memories of them, they were all good and when she went back they would be the first people she saw. Maybe she would stay with them a little while get her mind straightened out when she got home.

To be honest she did not want to step in her home ever again, it was just a house now no longer a home to her. It only held pain and hurt, and she was sure that is all it would hold for her. Possible it was time to just look for someone else. To let herself be happy once more, never truly happy when with Luke in the end, she was sure there was a time. The memories always seemed so happy so great, but whenever he came home… he was never happy, he never held her, not kissing her very much unless she started the kiss. Even when he was gone she felt a sort of relief that she did not have to try so hard with him.

Maybe in the end this was a blessing, a fucked up one, but a blessing. She still loved him, so very much but she had to let him go and in the end if he loved her he would come back right? But maybe she wouldn’t want him back in the end. Maybe she wouldn’t love him at all but someone else? Could there even be another after him?

Somewhere deep down inside she hoped to god that there was someone else. Not thinking she could take another rejection from him, not after all they had been through. Though she knew, a nagging thought in the back of her mind told her that Alexander Brown would never be hers, and she would never be his. Not in the way they use to be. School was over and now there time as children were too. A wave of relief washed over her like it has never before, as if she was letting go of all the baggage of everything they have been threw slowly dropping in the field and she wasn’t going to hold on to it any longer.

Slowly rolling over in the flowers pushing herself up off the ground dropping the flowers running, running as fast as she could. The dress flutter threw the flowers almost like a trail of colors following behind her as she ran. Running away from those thoughts, her feelings, and him as fast as he feet could take her she ran. Coming to the edge of the field after such a long time breathing heavily slowly slipping back on her shoes a soft gentle smile on her face as she slowly picked up get bag, walking to the hotel a little hop in her step, feeling lighter than ever before. Slowly starting to feel normal, back to Cazz she was before, back to normal. That’s all she wished for… normal. Not yet over him, but slowly getting there, she was taking a step in the right a step in the right direction.

Last stop; Dublin Ireland.
Glass flew across the bar as cheers and a giggle left from the side of the bar, a drinking contest with the local drunk. Cazz was on her twelfth shot of strong stuff, the burn made her shiver from every shot. It was good to actually feel something, something she wanted to feel at least. A smirk took over her face as she held up another shot. The blonde haired man across from her held a smirk on his face a wink as he took another shot, she threw it back quickly throwing the glass across the bar once more another cheer erupted from the watching crowd. A few more shots where poured as cazz quickly grabbed the bottle drinking the bit that was left before finishing off his shot and her shot throwing the bottle down in victory looking at the man a smirk on her face as the room started to spin,
“I don’t see why you’re so hard to keep up with! The lot of ya’!” She smirked doing a small spin falling back down into her seat as the crowd went back to their drinking, a few of them sat down at the table as Cazz relaxed back into seat a smirk on her face as the blonde leaned over patting her leg.
“Aye that was good, though I am very unsure you could home.”
Cazz laughed loudly, though there was no reason for it as she leaned forward a little smirking. “I have no home… my home flew away on the winds of some kinda bullshit because I am fucked up… and who could love fucked up?”
The man looked at her a long moment sighing shaking his head. “and you’ve had too much I take it.” He stood up slowly grabbing her up quickly throwing her over his shoulder as Cazz tried to fight against it. Spending the last month here, she had met him at the beginning of her trip. She fought against him for a while before giving up the world spinning too much.
“Leooooooo, just put me down… I’ll make it to the motel. “ She was beating against his back gently not wanting to hurt him before he shook his head rolling his head slightly.
“Let me put you to bed drunky drunker.” He hit her behind before going up the stairs opening the door swiftly throwing her down on onto the bed as she bounced head spinning mumbling.
“Your no fun let me walk home drunk.” She was already starting to fall asleep as he shook his head rubbing the stubble on his chin taking off her shoes then his own laying down in bed looking over at him smirking brushing hair from her eyes.
“Go to sleep. You never sleep not in a month of coming here, just go to sleep.” Cazz shook her head slightly not wanting to subconsciously cuddling into Leos side resting her head on his chest as he slowly ran fingers threw her hair looking at her, her eyes slowly starting to slip close as he kisses her head.
“I’ll be here when you wake up… Just sleep.” Cazz curled up a little tighter to him before slowly drifting off to sleep. Leo was gently running fingers threw her hair looking at the dark bags under her eyes. She had almost explained everything that included her travels, then the problems back at home. She talked about a man that once loved her, and the life she lead full of hate, and loss… the things she started to remember that she did, the things that made her sick, the burn on her arm. Cazz’s head rested in the crook of his neck soft breath in his ear as he continued to play with her hair. He had grown somewhat attached to the girl, almost being together every night, and every meal they had grown to get an understanding of one another. He had gotten off the chemicals the second week of her staying with him, helping him threw though withdraw of it all and she slowly opened up to him slowly. It was hard for the both of them… though tomorrow she said she was going to leave… and he was going to go with her, well much later but he said he would. He just had to clear up what he was doing her. Get someone to watch his bar down stairs.
The thought of her leaving made him slightly sad, she had been completely honest with him… or as much as he could get out of her. He wanted her, though she did not want him. She had told him many a time that her heart still belonged to another, though he would keep pushing it. Especially when he got there, when she offered him a place at her home he was surprised in a good way but none the less still surprised.
A few moments later the alarm clock went off cazz siring from her sleep yawning cuddling closer mumbling. “Do I have to get up?”
Leo laughed slightly smirking slowly sitting them up rubbing her back. “Your going to miss your plane. So yes you need to get up, this will be the sixth one you missed if you don’t leave.” She nodded gently leaning against him for a long moment deep in thought.
“And you will be there soon, with in the month right?” She looked up at him a sleepy smile on her face as he nodded kissing her head.
“With bells on darling.” She giggled softly slowly getting up her back already up her bags already by the door as she slowly pulled off her shirt putting on a small black shirt finding her jacket before slipping off her jeans putting on a red pair stuffing the clothes back in her bag. Sighing gently looking up at Leo one last time hugging him tightly before smiling softly sighing a little playing with her hair.
“I’ll see you within the month… or I am coming back here to kick your scrawy ass. “ Slowly she grabbed her bags smiling before leaving out the door. The last five months have been a trip, country hopping and leaving everything behind, though she gained something. Something interesting, but it was time to get back home. Time to fix the wrongs, or maybe fix the rights.